and just like that

Hi,

Its monsoon here… days are getting shorter now….

the air is very pleasing too….

hope you all are doing great…

I started this blog to share and learn…

It helped me a lot…

in every way I learned… I grew…

I learned that I get too involved with people…

I have seen this happening to me over and over again….

the more I stay a little distant…

the better it gets with time…

the more closer i get to people…

the more they get judgmental about me I think…

when I am open… I start sharing everything…

I tried to restrict myself… I became very critical…

I realized there is nothing mild I could do…

I reach the extreme…

I start caring… I become too caring…

I stop caring… I am like a wall…

I reason being is I keep pushing my limits…

and most of the time the people fail to notify me on time…. and I don’t notice it myself….

I keep on doing it till… I reach the breaking point…

and no matter what I can’t pretend to be nice to someone whom I dislike…

I cannot smile to their face…. and abuse them in my mind….

I have tried that… it feels good…

but not worth it… I think a person should know what you think about them….

its about honesty… but we can’t expect the same…

so its like give but don’t expect…

and this will bring happiness in turn…

I am happy…. but I am having mood swings….

I feel this energy sometimes… and sometimes I am just drained…

sometimes I am just laughing all the time…. and soon I am silent…

I want to get over these mood swings…

the sooner the better…

It is affecting my relationship with my family and friends….

I cannot let that happen….

I want peace… I did mistake of ignoring early warnings….

but not anymore…

I am getting better day by day…

any ways I had a great time with Akshay…

I recently went to Ghaziabad…

Akshay lives there… so I met him…

and then the fun begins…

we had a few drinks…

and then we went to this club…

It has live music…

and then we went crazy… it was a mad rush…

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complications and solutions

Hi,

Hope you all are doing good…

Life gets a little boring when you are going with the flow…

I have being doing things as they were coming to me…

There is no thrill… no adventure…

I miss her…. and i have told her this too…

but there is no reaction at all….

she would not text me back….

its been two weeks… we have not talked like we used to…

I want her as she was….

like we met…

things always take a different turn… I am not denying that I didn’t told her what she was doing wrong…

I told her to behave… and learn to talk….

life is tangled… I try to make it less complicated… 

the more complicated it gets…

I have no savings left… and have credit card bill to pay…

I am feeling bodily urges too…

and that makes me eccentric…

I have been doing fine at work…

saved some money for certificates…

now I want to face the situation…

but I want to make sure I don’t insult her… but don’t feel like to keep a check on my words too…

i want to make it polite…

and then I want some money… I tried something extra to get some money…

but things did not went well…

I want to be action oriented…

but I want my actions to be meaningful…

either I can keep on taking action…

till I get it right….

or I think and then act…

its like either I be impulsive… or be cautious…

both are extreme… I want to be fun.. that lies somewhere in the exact middle….

I want to fill my glass a little more…

I want to earn better….

I want my family to be happy… 

I want my family to be financially independent….

They have done a lot….

Life is getting better…. I have a better job…

I experienced love… if I can call it that…

I have great friends… 

I have a huge and loving family…

I think it is getting to my head….

I want to be untied… I want to be free…

Let me finish it… She is online…  To be continued….

I had a conversation and I was not so polite I must say….

I said everything… I know it was not the best way….

but yes it was required…

She did what she does best… she was running away from it…

she is still stuck with the same point she has… not willing to understand at all…

now I am light… the things that I wanted her to understand are out…

I know not in the best of the ways… but yes finally….

Its better to say something then nothing at all…

at least the intended person would know whats going on inside….

then whether they choose to stay or leave is up-to them…

I think it will bring harmony… because I am light….

and opening up was required… small things make a huge difference….

but I was wrong… She is over-ambitious as I knew….

She met her ex and she told me that too…

I want to just remove her from my life…

She is out of my head… and heart…

but yeah when I see her… I feel bad…

Like I did something wrong….

Her ex is a person who has no job…

I am sure I am a thousand times better….

my glass is half empty…

now the situation is…

I want her… at the same time I know all this too…

Presently she is enjoying her leverage….

as she is the object of desire for two people…

she has options…

and I know there is no commitment in this… 

as she is shifting bases… 

now what if a base moves out….

her leverage is lost… and she has one option left….

and its high water mark for me….

I wish that realization dawns upon her….

i may not have taken the best course here…

but I did something about it….

I only have one life…. 

no regrets! things will eventually turn out as they are meant to be.

 

Possibilities and Perception

Hi,

Hope you all are doing great and achieving greatness..

I slightly deviated from the track recently…

I have missed classes too…

Reason being her… as I did not wanted to confront her….

I did not attended classes for a week….

I just could not make it… I felt drained of energy…

Then I went went back to review…

My body is feeling this because I am not eating well… sleeping well…

Yup… She effects me emotionally…

But… If I keep on eating good…

Hang out with good people…

Be happy…

My emotional aspects are taken care off…

But the diet and sleep part is something.. I have to maintain for myself….

Its all interrelated…. isn’t it…

Like two sides of a coin…

And the irony is eventually it will flip…. no matter what…

Because no matter what I do…. something or the other will start a chain of thoughts….

So either I can let it affect me… or I can just consider it to be a negligible part in my equation….

and rather focus on the main equation….

throw the coin away

And throw it away…

She did things for me… and then she stopped doing them….

She made me habitual of certain things…. then she made me change my habits…

I was actually not reviewing… what I needed…. and what she has to offer…

I am implementing certain changes…. lets see how they go….

And when I talk to different people… I realize their perception about them differ…

It depends on my behavior….

How I act in front of them…

If I am feeling euphoric some day…. and met someone…

they are going to remember me like that…

If I am feeling sad… they will remember to be a brooding person….

or maybe confused…

Yeah… past week made people think that….

I realized that they thought me to be confused… lost….

and yes I was… but this will eventually affect me…

the more active, spontaneous, alive, the better I get…

And the more I am lost in thinking about the things that I cannot deal with….

The worse I get…. passive….

and I think no one likes to be like that….

I think I would have to think about this…

A way to get over this too…

A way to channel all thoughts and energy at the things at hand….

but the question is HOW?

We cannot restrict our thoughts…

so that is not an option…

But I think with practice…. we can channel our thoughts too…

I think if I am able to understand the reason… I would be able to channel my thoughts….

and that is where I get stuck…

firstly… to understand how I feel… the exact feeling…. and that takes up a lot of efforts…

getting over this part is the most cumbersome task….

then why I am feeling like that….

and then some workaround… that may fail too….

taking me back to Initial stage again….

Well… why I see circles in everything now a days….

maybe my perception is not accurate….

It is a possibility too…

 

 

 

 

Me again

Hi,

I think you are doing great…

I have been over Neha recently…

now I am doing better…

and I realized that when someone has nothing to lose…

the pleasure in attempting things…

the independence is intoxicating…

it gives a euphoria…

a feeling I wish you all to experience someday…

I feel great in terms of mental peace…

I am able to focus again on things at hand…

I after a long time found myself reading again…

I was able to concentrate…

I don’t blame her for over-thinking….

It was me… I was too much involved mentally with her…

I have told her everything…  and that too… over and over again…

but she still refuses…

So its time to pack bags… and look out…

I have been busy lately… classes… office….

and her… it all kept me excessively busy…

I was hardly getting time to spend with myself….

And as a result… I was accepting everything…

without questioning… because I was not taking time to think…

now I will… I will think a little and then answer her…

maybe that would happen never….

if she wants to talk… she would approach…

I would not make the slightest move now….

I have a plan… and I have to work on that…

I have realized that whenever I get too involved…

I don’t think about other things… and I stop taking time out for myself…

I gave her books back…

Guess what…

Enough about her already….

I met my friends last weekend….

It was awesome….

They came to pick me up at 5 AM in the morning…

and we went on for a ride….

we shared… we smiled…. we enjoyed….

And the best part was…. I needed it… and it was a surprise…

I spent a whole day without talking to her….

I realized that she has been treating me badly….

When I compare the way a person treats or talks to me to the way she talks or treats me….

I realize I should not have entertained her so much….

It felt nice to be me again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

An inference

Hi,

How are you all doing… hope great…

Its getting better now… I am finally over with neha…

I have blocked her in call settings… I have turned off chat for her in facebook….

I will block her soon in whatsapp as well… I know its my fault that I am letting her do it to me…

but she has been using too much of my energy on daily basis that… I am just exhausted…

I have not smiled fully in the past couple of days… I miss my broad smile…

I am awesome the way I am… and when I am happy… I see good things coming…

moreover she has been treating me as her emotional crutch…

I got to know that she has been talking to her ex…

I am okay with that… but she hides things from me…

and I don’t want to drag her along with me…

she talks to me about his ex and his words…

I have told her politely that I don’t like this…

I know its hard… but if she has to talk… she could…

but then she seeks my opinion… and she went on to the extent that…

she said that I should not dare to say anything about his ex…

in all this stupidity I am getting from her…

I feel dejected… distant…

and every time I see her I feel pity… and that is where I am getting back into this…

but now no more… I have not been doing the good things…

I have been giving very less time to studies… to writing… to myself…. even to my family…

she gets clingy… and then I have to talk because… I think if I would leave her alone…

she would get back to talking to her ex….

but now I am over the fear of loosing her…

I guess time to move on…. 

but this time I am clear in my mind….

I have been thinking about this for quite some time… but I was getting second thoughts…

but no more… I don’t want this fear to ruin whats good in me….

and anyhow… she has messed the trust I tried to establish…

today I gave time to myself… and I loved it….

I am writing…. I am dancing… I have my plans back into action….

I am feeling alive again… I think its not her fault… still…

but Its her decision to hang on… and I can’t suffer for something I have not done…

I have my sympathy with her… and I feel pity… but isn’t this being overambitious… 

keep me hanging at one end… and keep her ex at other… very convenient for her…

but not for both of us…

lets do some double addi… yo…

and yes it feels good now… she was giving me negative vibes for quite some time…

and it just did not felt right with her… while she was doing all this…

it took some time for me to reach to this decision… I was dicey at first because…

I was comparing the good and bad things she had done for me….

but then I realized… if I keep on doing this comparison… I will not reach to any conclusion…

so I am going with what seems right at the present moment… 

I do great when I have no fear… 

I tried to talk… but she would not listen to me…

I did everything I could… so finally…

back to my awesome self… lets see what life has in store for me…

I am going with what gets me my smile back….

life is awesome… I will enjoy it…

I can’t just sit back and keep on mourning for that overambitious person…

 

 

Nothing to lose, no regrets!

Hi,

Hope you all read this in good health..

Today I feel like shouting…

but it would seem to be insane… as I am presently at my desk in my office…

and I don’t understand the way I feel…

I think that I have fear of losing Neha…

but then I have nothing to lose…

because there was never any compulsion from me on her…

I did my best to never restrict her… I did my best to never impose anything…

she had freedom to take her decisions… I always gave my opinion…

but the final decision about her were always her’s…

I am glad for everything she had done for me…

and I have told her that too…

I have never been so open…

lets me recall today…

I sent her a good morning wish…

she responded and called me to wake me up… so that I don’t miss my classes…

I am thankful… and I reached the class on time…

I did not sit with her…

then after class I realized she has some red patches coming on her face…

she has some allergy and they keep coming back…

I pointed those patches to her… and she held my hand against her cheek for a while…

now this melts me… really…

and her cheeks were going all red…

and today her tone was very affectionate too…

she asked me to eat lunch…

but as soon as we started eating… she said she does not want to eat…

and put her head on her hands on the table…

I kept asking whats the issue…

and kissed her hand….

she did not told me anything…

and started crying…

I tried to console her…

I kept on asking what the issue was… she did not budge…

I brought her some water to drink.. and then we left the institute…

I dropped her a text to call me as soon as she reaches her home… to make sure she was okey…

she did not called… so I called her…

there was no response….

I dropped a text again… and there was no response…

In the evening when I called her phone was out of reach… I think she has blocked me…

but I am not sure… and she did not came online as well…

she comes online daily… on facebook for me I think….

but its two days now and she is not coming online…

I am over the insecurity now… and I am over with the feeling of loosing her as well…

but the feeling of loneliness is there… she used to keep me company…

she used to keep me occupied…

but now she does not want to do that…

I will respect that… I will respect her decision…

so I told her everything I felt… again…

as my heart felt heavy…

I thank her for everything she did… and now I am feeling content…

this action gave me good vibe… and i have set her free again…

and in this… I feel free myself…

as I have got nothing to lose now…

no regrets…

only wishes and dreams…

nothing kept inside..

It would be her wish now…

Yes I would miss her… and I would keep hope…

 

 

Seeker

Hi,

 

Hope you read this in good health..

Today I am wondering… why is there so much emotional drama in our lives….

we see animals… they don’t crib… they don’t complain…

why us humans… is it because of the language…

that it gives us words… that we can use to express…

but I have felt that… words do not describe feelings and emotions exactly….

and if they do… sometimes they are so complicated to understand… that there always lies ambiguity…

well I am still wondering… and random thoughts are coming in…

why do we seek success… why do we seek paramount amounts of money…

why is there this common belief that… if we are rich… we would be happy…

I have seen poor smile broader and wider then rich…

contradictory…

why do we keep seeking a better tomorrow..

when we don’t make the slightest effort today…

and the question next comes to my mind is… what purpose would that better tomorrow serve…

I mean… how will it make a difference…

like if you are living your better tomorrow… what difference do you find in it…

how has it made you and your life better…

what did you achieved by putting efforts… what difference have you made…

is this all metaphoric or philosophical… or does it has any practicality…

anyhow… coming back to life… I really feel I am being drained again by her…

she just takes too much of my energy… and she goes inconsiderate…

I have been through this again and again… and I have somehow managed two months with her…

she refuses to go out with me… drags her friends along… which I don’t like…

she never said she loves me…

but should I am not yet ditached from her completely…

she still shows care… her actions speak a whole different story…

in this confusion between her actions and words… I am not making any decisions..

I decide something and then something happens… which gives me second thoughts…

anyhow I have been socializing… lets see where I land now…

she would regret some day for sure… and thats none of my concern…

I have enjoy the work-environment of my new office..

and I think its a place where I would grow…

anyhow… growth is a lifelong process…

lets see where I end…