Seeker

Hi,

 

Hope you read this in good health..

Today I am wondering… why is there so much emotional drama in our lives….

we see animals… they don’t crib… they don’t complain…

why us humans… is it because of the language…

that it gives us words… that we can use to express…

but I have felt that… words do not describe feelings and emotions exactly….

and if they do… sometimes they are so complicated to understand… that there always lies ambiguity…

well I am still wondering… and random thoughts are coming in…

why do we seek success… why do we seek paramount amounts of money…

why is there this common belief that… if we are rich… we would be happy…

I have seen poor smile broader and wider then rich…

contradictory…

why do we keep seeking a better tomorrow..

when we don’t make the slightest effort today…

and the question next comes to my mind is… what purpose would that better tomorrow serve…

I mean… how will it make a difference…

like if you are living your better tomorrow… what difference do you find in it…

how has it made you and your life better…

what did you achieved by putting efforts… what difference have you made…

is this all metaphoric or philosophical… or does it has any practicality…

anyhow… coming back to life… I really feel I am being drained again by her…

she just takes too much of my energy… and she goes inconsiderate…

I have been through this again and again… and I have somehow managed two months with her…

she refuses to go out with me… drags her friends along… which I don’t like…

she never said she loves me…

but should I am not yet ditached from her completely…

she still shows care… her actions speak a whole different story…

in this confusion between her actions and words… I am not making any decisions..

I decide something and then something happens… which gives me second thoughts…

anyhow I have been socializing… lets see where I land now…

she would regret some day for sure… and thats none of my concern…

I have enjoy the work-environment of my new office..

and I think its a place where I would grow…

anyhow… growth is a lifelong process…

lets see where I end…

 

 

 

enjoying the way

Hi,

 

Thank you for your love and support…

I have been getting over Neha since my last post…

and I am doing good now…

She is not on my mind all the time…

like she used to be always… 

I can concentrate on things at hand.. and work…

Yes we are still talking… 

but there is a slight distance.. that i have maintained…

I don’t want to smother her with affection… 

I don’t think about future… anymore…

I am living in present again… and I am over the feeling of loosing her as well…

and now it feels awesome… 

I realized she is not a thing… that I could say is mine…

she is a living being… has her own ways…

has her own beliefs… 

I liked her the way she was… If i try to posses her…

she has to mend her ways as per my wishes… unwillingly…

and forced changes do not bring any good with them…

as they are not accepted… 

so is the case with me as well…

Thanks to a recent gem added to my friends list Piyush…

he made me understand this…

we recently had our new hire party in office…

and it was a success…

everyone loved it…

there was something for everyone…

and everyone seemed full…

they enjoyed it… and finally welcomed me and Piyush to the team…

I loved it too..

So life is back on track again…. and if death is the next thing coming…

i would be able to face it in the eye… till it looks down with regrets….

but I still need to put some more efforts into the course material…

I have been legging behind for some time now…

I am passionate about these classes….

and I have been doing good…

but these bumps in the road had some impact on it…

now the ride is going a bit smooth… till the next bump…

and I should not wait for it…

I should make preparations now…

and I have no regrets fro life… :D

I did what I could do… 

to the best of my abilities…

and I would keep on doing that….

till I live…

Yes I am drunk while I am writing this post…

It had been quite some time.. I did not spent time with myself…

and today i am all to myself… listening to pink floyd… and writing my feelings…

I realized that when I write down I get a better perception of my life..

one from my perspective… and from your perspectives as well…

makes me think before making decisions…

makes me formulate a plan of action that is better…

workable and effective…

rest is fate…

I am not afraid to fail… because every time I fail… I fail better…

I feel better… because.. I did what I could do… rather than not doing anything at all…

makes me happy inside… even if did not achieve anything…

the satisfaction of “at least I tried” weighs more than the achievement…

it makes us humble as well…

though I have no special achievements…

but I am hopeful….

lets see what universe has planned for me…

I am just enjoying the journey…

 

 

Moving on

Hi,

 

I have not been writing much these days…. I realized this…

I was so much occupied with Neha that I have not given time to myself….. and the things I love to do…

But, now that I have realized that….

I guess I need to give myself some time…

She drained me emotionally…. always doing something or the other….

she was taking me for-granted…

I told her that upfront… that she should stop doing this…..

yesterday we had a conversation… she was talking to me like I am someone begging to be with her…

She was sick… she has some sort of allergy… and due to which she has some swelling…

I was asking her about her well being… and I did my best to be nice to her…

but she did it… and I realized I have had enough…

She does not even care to resolve this… and it is not my responsibility always to resolve differences…

I know this sounds like I don’t care about her and I am being a jerk….

but, try my shoes for one day…. and get to know… what I go through…

You would understand… anyhow… we are not talking as of now…. and I already feel good about it….

the time she used to take away from me… I think I would devote that to better things….

I have been working out… but it was on and off…

with less things to think about… I would devote my time to myself….

writing is going on with its own sweet pace… and I am improving… and the kind of love and support I get from you all….

motivates me a lot… and I would keep on doing it… and improve…

I wish someday I would be able to publish something as well…

till then sharing is perfect… and learning… I see great posts from people… Cari.. has a great blog…

I learn a lot from her…

I wanted the things between me and Neha to work out…

and I did what I could…

but I think its for the better… at first it was euphoric…

it gave me strength… I felt so much love and energy….

but then things did not went well….

and now we talk less and fight more…

I give you an example… I did not had dinner yesterday…

there was a lot of work… but I still managed to ask her about her well being….

but she was behaving as if I am clinging on to her…

I told her what I felt… and she said what can i do about it… its not her concern….

now.. even if I neglect it… she has been talking like this with me from past one week or so…..

Love is in its place… but how could I compromise with self respect…..

even if she does not feel anything about me… the least anyone could do is show compassion…

at least talk nicely…

I wanted things to fade nicely… but now it was not that good…

Call it universe or God… it has its own plan and ways…

I will go with the flow… and concentrate on what is Important for my happiness…

I realized I cannot make other people happy… till I am happy myself…

I have not sketched in a while… I want to start painting now… lets make a step towards painting today :)kapil potrait cross process

have a great time ahead!

 

 

 

Hangover

Hi,

 

Hope you all are doing great in your life..

There have been loads of changes happening around in my life…

and i guess I am not doing great….

but I am not doing bad either…

I got a legal notice from my previous organisation for sharing….

well I think It must have did them some damage…

So, I have removed those posts…

Rahul bro. see I listen to you….

Hope that satisfies them…

But it made me feel I am being heard…

Neha is behaving in a bizarre way…

She just keeps on asking “hw r u? ?”

I told her many times I am fine and getting better…

But, she just don’t want to understand…

So, I asked her why is it… That she is showing concern for me….

she said “just like that”…

now that’s not a reason…

and I have been noticing her…. stalking me on facebook….

I go to office in the night now a days…

it is a 24 x 7 environment…

and she comes online exactly at the beginning of my shift…

she knows I would log in to facebook to check my updates…

and I see her online all the time…. but hardly a like or any post….

So, what I did was… switching chat offline for her…

so that she does not get to know that I am online….

it went on for two or three days…

and viola… there was her message…

I did not replied instantaneously… I took my own sweet time to reply…

thanks to the advice of Abhishek kirar…

and she went crazy… she called me…

she has been updating her status on whats app for me…

which I feel is very kiddish… but it makes me smile… at the same time…

I don’t understand her behavior… and what is she up to…

at one hand she says she wants to have an arrange marriage…

and she met the guy too…

and on the other she is doing all this…

I think this will only hurt me later…

she would marry and move on…

and I would be left with all these emotions inside me… that I have been suppressing….

she hardly makes a move to meet me…. nor did she ever said that she loves me ever….

it has been 3 weeks now… we have not met anywhere else…

but only in classes…

I got my timings changed too…. so that we don’t bump into each other…

but I was not able to cope up…

I feel drained….

she used to wish me good morning and evening and good night….

but not anymore….

its been 12 to 13 days of those messages not being there…

those messages used to make me feel energetic…

that someone is thinking about me all the time….

and I used to get this euphoria by just thinking about it….

well… that’s not it… she does not tells me anything… nothing about herself…

but just keep asking questions from me…

so, I hardly feel like replying…

but I feel bad to see unanswered messages…

so, I still reply to her…

I just want a clear reply…

and every time time I have asked her… she has refused…

but kept on doing all this too….

I think I should just ignore her more….

without telling her….

any advice in this regard would be highly appreciated….

Aside

Equanimity

Hi,

Hope you all have a great weekend..

Its been three days and we are hardly talking….

she said many things but now I feel she never meant any of them…

I think she needs her own space…

now she has it… I am no more in the equation…

hope that helps her….

I have awesome friends….

they have been there for me…..

they have supported me….

made me laugh….

and they helped to bring out the best in me….

and I feel really grateful to them….

she came into my life… she gave me some memories….

but things did not went well…

but with my friends I never have to think about things going right or wrong….

no matter how I am… they accept me…

and I think that is what is the key for a successful bond….

she is unable to accept me as I am… keeps on passing the blame onto me…

that simply means.. she does not deserved me in the first place….

and it was so foolish of me to keep it dragging…

I gave her more importance then myself….

and I think that is where it all went wrong….

and the best part is I did it… without realizing what I was doing….

and now that I have realized it… I think the damage has been done…

I read some articles on behavior… and she turned out to be a “toxic person”….

the way she behaves with me now a days….

she twists my words to pass the blame onto me….

she hardly makes any effort to know about my well being…

and she has been taking me for granted…

makes me pursue her all the time… and enjoys it…

I have no problem doing that… but she does not shows any respect at all…

no compassion… no consideration….

she used to make me laugh… but she had not done it in a long while…

and I don’t want to criticize her for it…

I want to be with her in the hoping that she would do it some day…

but the reality is she would not be with me…

following her parents wishes…

she would get married to someone… and I would be left alone…

I don’t know what to do anymore…

It’s like being in the middle of a dark tunnel… and not knowing which way to go…

like there is no light on both the ends….

and I am left all alone….

but eventually I will get to the end…

and be in the light again… and I feel like she would be there…

along with my friends… and everything would be as it is meant to be….

 

 

Aside

things would be how they meant to be, not the way we want..

Hi,

 

Hope everything is going great in your lives…

I recently had a fight with Neha…

and since then she is not talking to me….

and it seems like it is all a fake fight she has put up with me….

she blocked me on whats app…

and then removed her display pic to confuse me…

presently I am unblocked…

she is not sending any good morning or good evening or good night wishes that she used to send earlier..

it all started after the meeting….

her parents are arranging her marriage…

and though I have told her everything…

she insists on going by the decision of her parents…

she told me that she does not wants to be an example for her juniors…

though when we talk I feel that it is not what she wants..

she is pretending to be rude to me…

I felt really bad when she did that..

she does not says “Hi” even…

I know nothing is instantanious…

but I think I have done my part…

I have told her that I am not backing out on any commitment…

and I would like to meet her parents too..

but she refuses…

So, everything seems to be stuck around her…

and I think she is occupying my mind alot…

I want to get my mind free of her…

and I think it is due to the fact I was very much occupied…..

occupied to make things work between us…

and forgot to live…

my friend advise me to move out of it…

as my part is done and over…

but I realize my mistake now…

she was after me because I was happy..

I gave importance to myself…

but now I was not respecting myself…

this whole post has showed me that she was so much on my mind all the time…

while I was not on hers…

she is able to focus on other things…

her studies… her family… her friends…

but I am not able to focus on the good things…

all I was doing was thinking about her and her issues….

that she doesn’t even want to deal with…

I think I should go with the flow and accept what is….

rather than pretend and lie to myself that everything is fine…

I know things are not fine now….

and I think that they will never be exactly like we want…

but how they meant to be…

 

 

Aside

no regrets

Hi,

 

Hope you are fine and in good health

Lately I have been having difficulties with Neha…

She was keeping things from me….

I did everything I could…

But now she is all tragic…..

her family is arranging her marriage…

and though she has never met that person… she is willing to marry him…

which leaves me in a situation where I feel unwanted….

I think I should take a step back here….

I clarified everything….

I wanted things to work out between us…

I told her everything…. I was even willing to make a commitment….

but I think she took that as something forsaken….

and I can’t make it work all alone…

she has to put some efforts too…

and if she is not willing to put efforts now…

it would get very hard later on…

I have no regrets….

I would be able to bear this though….

I have been through worse… it is nothing compared to that….

and I feel stronger…. Its in the hand of universe now…

It brought us together… It will separate us…

and practically I have nothing to loose….

I have a better job now… I have a caring family….

House has been rebuilt…..

I have been working out…. I am in good shape now…

the work environment in my new office is good…

manager and supervisors are supportive….

and the work and life balance is good….

its just a small thing I would get over with it….

My happiness is not dependent on anybody….

I feel light… and my heart is at peace….

last time I was through all this…. It felt heavy….

I was almost devastated and depressed…..

and as they say… what does not kills you makes you strong…

all I can say for now is she would regret it….

she gave me some sleepless nights tough…

and headache as well…

I am emotionally a little drained as of now…

but this will get better with time….

as everything else is getting better….

I would be over this soon…