Me again

Hi,

I think you are doing great…

I have been over Neha recently…

now I am doing better…

and I realized that when someone has nothing to lose…

the pleasure in attempting things…

the independence is intoxicating…

it gives a euphoria…

a feeling I wish you all to experience someday…

I feel great in terms of mental peace…

I am able to focus again on things at hand…

I after a long time found myself reading again…

I was able to concentrate…

I don’t blame her for over-thinking….

It was me… I was too much involved mentally with her…

I have told her everything…  and that too… over and over again…

but she still refuses…

So its time to pack bags… and look out…

I have been busy lately… classes… office….

and her… it all kept me excessively busy…

I was hardly getting time to spend with myself….

And as a result… I was accepting everything…

without questioning… because I was not taking time to think…

now I will… I will think a little and then answer her…

maybe that would happen never….

if she wants to talk… she would approach…

I would not make the slightest move now….

I have a plan… and I have to work on that…

I have realized that whenever I get too involved…

I don’t think about other things… and I stop taking time out for myself…

I gave her books back…

Guess what…

Enough about her already….

I met my friends last weekend….

It was awesome….

They came to pick me up at 5 AM in the morning…

and we went on for a ride….

we shared… we smiled…. we enjoyed….

And the best part was…. I needed it… and it was a surprise…

I spent a whole day without talking to her….

I realized that she has been treating me badly….

When I compare the way a person treats or talks to me to the way she talks or treats me….

I realize I should not have entertained her so much….

It felt nice to be me again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

An inference

Hi,

How are you all doing… hope great…

Its getting better now… I am finally over with neha…

I have blocked her in call settings… I have turned off chat for her in facebook….

I will block her soon in whatsapp as well… I know its my fault that I am letting her do it to me…

but she has been using too much of my energy on daily basis that… I am just exhausted…

I have not smiled fully in the past couple of days… I miss my broad smile…

I am awesome the way I am… and when I am happy… I see good things coming…

moreover she has been treating me as her emotional crutch…

I got to know that she has been talking to her ex…

I am okay with that… but she hides things from me…

and I don’t want to drag her along with me…

she talks to me about his ex and his words…

I have told her politely that I don’t like this…

I know its hard… but if she has to talk… she could…

but then she seeks my opinion… and she went on to the extent that…

she said that I should not dare to say anything about his ex…

in all this stupidity I am getting from her…

I feel dejected… distant…

and every time I see her I feel pity… and that is where I am getting back into this…

but now no more… I have not been doing the good things…

I have been giving very less time to studies… to writing… to myself…. even to my family…

she gets clingy… and then I have to talk because… I think if I would leave her alone…

she would get back to talking to her ex….

but now I am over the fear of loosing her…

I guess time to move on…. 

but this time I am clear in my mind….

I have been thinking about this for quite some time… but I was getting second thoughts…

but no more… I don’t want this fear to ruin whats good in me….

and anyhow… she has messed the trust I tried to establish…

today I gave time to myself… and I loved it….

I am writing…. I am dancing… I have my plans back into action….

I am feeling alive again… I think its not her fault… still…

but Its her decision to hang on… and I can’t suffer for something I have not done…

I have my sympathy with her… and I feel pity… but isn’t this being overambitious… 

keep me hanging at one end… and keep her ex at other… very convenient for her…

but not for both of us…

lets do some double addi… yo…

and yes it feels good now… she was giving me negative vibes for quite some time…

and it just did not felt right with her… while she was doing all this…

it took some time for me to reach to this decision… I was dicey at first because…

I was comparing the good and bad things she had done for me….

but then I realized… if I keep on doing this comparison… I will not reach to any conclusion…

so I am going with what seems right at the present moment… 

I do great when I have no fear… 

I tried to talk… but she would not listen to me…

I did everything I could… so finally…

back to my awesome self… lets see what life has in store for me…

I am going with what gets me my smile back….

life is awesome… I will enjoy it…

I can’t just sit back and keep on mourning for that overambitious person…

 

 

Nothing to lose, no regrets!

Hi,

Hope you all read this in good health..

Today I feel like shouting…

but it would seem to be insane… as I am presently at my desk in my office…

and I don’t understand the way I feel…

I think that I have fear of losing Neha…

but then I have nothing to lose…

because there was never any compulsion from me on her…

I did my best to never restrict her… I did my best to never impose anything…

she had freedom to take her decisions… I always gave my opinion…

but the final decision about her were always her’s…

I am glad for everything she had done for me…

and I have told her that too…

I have never been so open…

lets me recall today…

I sent her a good morning wish…

she responded and called me to wake me up… so that I don’t miss my classes…

I am thankful… and I reached the class on time…

I did not sit with her…

then after class I realized she has some red patches coming on her face…

she has some allergy and they keep coming back…

I pointed those patches to her… and she held my hand against her cheek for a while…

now this melts me… really…

and her cheeks were going all red…

and today her tone was very affectionate too…

she asked me to eat lunch…

but as soon as we started eating… she said she does not want to eat…

and put her head on her hands on the table…

I kept asking whats the issue…

and kissed her hand….

she did not told me anything…

and started crying…

I tried to console her…

I kept on asking what the issue was… she did not budge…

I brought her some water to drink.. and then we left the institute…

I dropped her a text to call me as soon as she reaches her home… to make sure she was okey…

she did not called… so I called her…

there was no response….

I dropped a text again… and there was no response…

In the evening when I called her phone was out of reach… I think she has blocked me…

but I am not sure… and she did not came online as well…

she comes online daily… on facebook for me I think….

but its two days now and she is not coming online…

I am over the insecurity now… and I am over with the feeling of loosing her as well…

but the feeling of loneliness is there… she used to keep me company…

she used to keep me occupied…

but now she does not want to do that…

I will respect that… I will respect her decision…

so I told her everything I felt… again…

as my heart felt heavy…

I thank her for everything she did… and now I am feeling content…

this action gave me good vibe… and i have set her free again…

and in this… I feel free myself…

as I have got nothing to lose now…

no regrets…

only wishes and dreams…

nothing kept inside..

It would be her wish now…

Yes I would miss her… and I would keep hope…

 

 

Seeker

Hi,

 

Hope you read this in good health..

Today I am wondering… why is there so much emotional drama in our lives….

we see animals… they don’t crib… they don’t complain…

why us humans… is it because of the language…

that it gives us words… that we can use to express…

but I have felt that… words do not describe feelings and emotions exactly….

and if they do… sometimes they are so complicated to understand… that there always lies ambiguity…

well I am still wondering… and random thoughts are coming in…

why do we seek success… why do we seek paramount amounts of money…

why is there this common belief that… if we are rich… we would be happy…

I have seen poor smile broader and wider then rich…

contradictory…

why do we keep seeking a better tomorrow..

when we don’t make the slightest effort today…

and the question next comes to my mind is… what purpose would that better tomorrow serve…

I mean… how will it make a difference…

like if you are living your better tomorrow… what difference do you find in it…

how has it made you and your life better…

what did you achieved by putting efforts… what difference have you made…

is this all metaphoric or philosophical… or does it has any practicality…

anyhow… coming back to life… I really feel I am being drained again by her…

she just takes too much of my energy… and she goes inconsiderate…

I have been through this again and again… and I have somehow managed two months with her…

she refuses to go out with me… drags her friends along… which I don’t like…

she never said she loves me…

but should I am not yet ditached from her completely…

she still shows care… her actions speak a whole different story…

in this confusion between her actions and words… I am not making any decisions..

I decide something and then something happens… which gives me second thoughts…

anyhow I have been socializing… lets see where I land now…

she would regret some day for sure… and thats none of my concern…

I have enjoy the work-environment of my new office..

and I think its a place where I would grow…

anyhow… growth is a lifelong process…

lets see where I end…

 

 

 

enjoying the way

Hi,

 

Thank you for your love and support…

I have been getting over Neha since my last post…

and I am doing good now…

She is not on my mind all the time…

like she used to be always… 

I can concentrate on things at hand.. and work…

Yes we are still talking… 

but there is a slight distance.. that i have maintained…

I don’t want to smother her with affection… 

I don’t think about future… anymore…

I am living in present again… and I am over the feeling of loosing her as well…

and now it feels awesome… 

I realized she is not a thing… that I could say is mine…

she is a living being… has her own ways…

has her own beliefs… 

I liked her the way she was… If i try to posses her…

she has to mend her ways as per my wishes… unwillingly…

and forced changes do not bring any good with them…

as they are not accepted… 

so is the case with me as well…

Thanks to a recent gem added to my friends list Piyush…

he made me understand this…

we recently had our new hire party in office…

and it was a success…

everyone loved it…

there was something for everyone…

and everyone seemed full…

they enjoyed it… and finally welcomed me and Piyush to the team…

I loved it too..

So life is back on track again…. and if death is the next thing coming…

i would be able to face it in the eye… till it looks down with regrets….

but I still need to put some more efforts into the course material…

I have been legging behind for some time now…

I am passionate about these classes….

and I have been doing good…

but these bumps in the road had some impact on it…

now the ride is going a bit smooth… till the next bump…

and I should not wait for it…

I should make preparations now…

and I have no regrets fro life… :D

I did what I could do… 

to the best of my abilities…

and I would keep on doing that….

till I live…

Yes I am drunk while I am writing this post…

It had been quite some time.. I did not spent time with myself…

and today i am all to myself… listening to pink floyd… and writing my feelings…

I realized that when I write down I get a better perception of my life..

one from my perspective… and from your perspectives as well…

makes me think before making decisions…

makes me formulate a plan of action that is better…

workable and effective…

rest is fate…

I am not afraid to fail… because every time I fail… I fail better…

I feel better… because.. I did what I could do… rather than not doing anything at all…

makes me happy inside… even if did not achieve anything…

the satisfaction of “at least I tried” weighs more than the achievement…

it makes us humble as well…

though I have no special achievements…

but I am hopeful….

lets see what universe has planned for me…

I am just enjoying the journey…

 

 

Moving on

Hi,

 

I have not been writing much these days…. I realized this…

I was so much occupied with Neha that I have not given time to myself….. and the things I love to do…

But, now that I have realized that….

I guess I need to give myself some time…

She drained me emotionally…. always doing something or the other….

she was taking me for-granted…

I told her that upfront… that she should stop doing this…..

yesterday we had a conversation… she was talking to me like I am someone begging to be with her…

She was sick… she has some sort of allergy… and due to which she has some swelling…

I was asking her about her well being… and I did my best to be nice to her…

but she did it… and I realized I have had enough…

She does not even care to resolve this… and it is not my responsibility always to resolve differences…

I know this sounds like I don’t care about her and I am being a jerk….

but, try my shoes for one day…. and get to know… what I go through…

You would understand… anyhow… we are not talking as of now…. and I already feel good about it….

the time she used to take away from me… I think I would devote that to better things….

I have been working out… but it was on and off…

with less things to think about… I would devote my time to myself….

writing is going on with its own sweet pace… and I am improving… and the kind of love and support I get from you all….

motivates me a lot… and I would keep on doing it… and improve…

I wish someday I would be able to publish something as well…

till then sharing is perfect… and learning… I see great posts from people… Cari.. has a great blog…

I learn a lot from her…

I wanted the things between me and Neha to work out…

and I did what I could…

but I think its for the better… at first it was euphoric…

it gave me strength… I felt so much love and energy….

but then things did not went well….

and now we talk less and fight more…

I give you an example… I did not had dinner yesterday…

there was a lot of work… but I still managed to ask her about her well being….

but she was behaving as if I am clinging on to her…

I told her what I felt… and she said what can i do about it… its not her concern….

now.. even if I neglect it… she has been talking like this with me from past one week or so…..

Love is in its place… but how could I compromise with self respect…..

even if she does not feel anything about me… the least anyone could do is show compassion…

at least talk nicely…

I wanted things to fade nicely… but now it was not that good…

Call it universe or God… it has its own plan and ways…

I will go with the flow… and concentrate on what is Important for my happiness…

I realized I cannot make other people happy… till I am happy myself…

I have not sketched in a while… I want to start painting now… lets make a step towards painting today :)kapil potrait cross process

have a great time ahead!

 

 

 

Hangover

Hi,

 

Hope you all are doing great in your life..

There have been loads of changes happening around in my life…

and i guess I am not doing great….

but I am not doing bad either…

I got a legal notice from my previous organisation for sharing….

well I think It must have did them some damage…

So, I have removed those posts…

Rahul bro. see I listen to you….

Hope that satisfies them…

But it made me feel I am being heard…

Neha is behaving in a bizarre way…

She just keeps on asking “hw r u? ?”

I told her many times I am fine and getting better…

But, she just don’t want to understand…

So, I asked her why is it… That she is showing concern for me….

she said “just like that”…

now that’s not a reason…

and I have been noticing her…. stalking me on facebook….

I go to office in the night now a days…

it is a 24 x 7 environment…

and she comes online exactly at the beginning of my shift…

she knows I would log in to facebook to check my updates…

and I see her online all the time…. but hardly a like or any post….

So, what I did was… switching chat offline for her…

so that she does not get to know that I am online….

it went on for two or three days…

and viola… there was her message…

I did not replied instantaneously… I took my own sweet time to reply…

thanks to the advice of Abhishek kirar…

and she went crazy… she called me…

she has been updating her status on whats app for me…

which I feel is very kiddish… but it makes me smile… at the same time…

I don’t understand her behavior… and what is she up to…

at one hand she says she wants to have an arrange marriage…

and she met the guy too…

and on the other she is doing all this…

I think this will only hurt me later…

she would marry and move on…

and I would be left with all these emotions inside me… that I have been suppressing….

she hardly makes a move to meet me…. nor did she ever said that she loves me ever….

it has been 3 weeks now… we have not met anywhere else…

but only in classes…

I got my timings changed too…. so that we don’t bump into each other…

but I was not able to cope up…

I feel drained….

she used to wish me good morning and evening and good night….

but not anymore….

its been 12 to 13 days of those messages not being there…

those messages used to make me feel energetic…

that someone is thinking about me all the time….

and I used to get this euphoria by just thinking about it….

well… that’s not it… she does not tells me anything… nothing about herself…

but just keep asking questions from me…

so, I hardly feel like replying…

but I feel bad to see unanswered messages…

so, I still reply to her…

I just want a clear reply…

and every time time I have asked her… she has refused…

but kept on doing all this too….

I think I should just ignore her more….

without telling her….

any advice in this regard would be highly appreciated….